I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
