im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
