i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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