thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
He did a backflip because drugs
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