If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
