i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
