We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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