im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
