he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
