so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
