My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
