guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
