He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
