I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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