I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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