Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Randomize
