If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
