Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
