It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
