Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
