Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
whose parrot is this?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
