He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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