guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize