Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
