i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize