Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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