Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I can't put those talents on a resume
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
