I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize