I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
