I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
