if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
