Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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