I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
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