what if every blade of grass was a penis?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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