A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
