Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize