I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
