I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
