Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
There's even glitter on my cock...
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