Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
