The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
