we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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