I'm eating all of the evidence.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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