he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
