i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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