u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
