You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize