My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
