When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
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