Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
