Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
