i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
