I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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