Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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