Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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