You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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