i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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